Wearing my disappointment
I feel awful. I wake up with such sorrow, again, and I'm not sure I understand exactly why. It's a beautiful 70 degree Saturday in January. I am driving to teach a yoga class in Berkeley, sun roof open, music shouting loudly. But, I feel so low, so down. What will I say to the class, how can I be inspirational? I decide to turn off the radio to get quiet and to see if I can determine what is going on. I am on Highway 24 looking at an awesome view of the San Francisco bay and skyline. What is there to feel so disquieted about? As I deepen my breath and come into my base, I realize that I am feeling incredibly disappointed. As a matter of fact, I have adorned myself in disappointment. I have put it on as if it were a fancy dress. It is so close to my skin that I have literally become disappointment. I am looking out through disappointment's eyes and moving my arms around in it's sleeves. This is not the way my life was supposed to be! Amorphous letdown. Now what?
I steel myself to try to bring in some helpful philosophy. WWPCD? What Would Pema Chodron Do?? I sit quietly and hold my cupped, receptive hands out in front of me (once I've parked the car, of course), and I ask myself am I willing to take off the disappointment? Am I willing to make myself naked, to take off the disappointment, and then carefully hold it in my hands? Can I hold disappointment as I would hold something precious, and simply observe it? I envisioned a snow globe (where did that come from? I'm not a snow globe kind of a girl?) But, a snow globe is delicate and you can affect it, and change it and then observe the changes. You can hold it delicately in your hands, separate from yourself and really look at it, without judgement.
So, I began to observe my disappointment without evaluation, and very quickly, so much about my present behavior started to make sense. I had been living from disappointment (please feel free to insert the emotion of your choice--anger, sorrow, grief, anticipation etc.) I realize that I am angry at myself for the state of my life. And I begin to feel compassion as I hold the anger and disappointment in my hands and observe. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I do feel empathy. I get it. I've stepped back, gotten perspective and I feel sweet and kind. I feel kindness for my life and my situation. I feel my breath; I feel relaxed. The ability to step back and take space is so invaluable. and takes a level of inner awareness that doesn't come overnight, but is available to all of us if we are willing to wake up. That's why we practice yoga.
